To Daydream

Sometimes, I am incredibly embarrassed about my dreams. They seem fairytale-esque when said out loud - “I want to live in a Chateau in France with my family”. But it is true. It is a dream that I can visualize. I can see the steps in front that need to be taken; I can see the daily living; I can see the doubt, the loneliness, the agony of being away from the life we have always known. And yet, I can’t shake this dream.

Perhaps it is because I have always loved history. Perhaps because I am a romantic. Perhaps because this is the one area of my life where I am choosing to be completely impractical. I have periods of pure adulation for this dream - I will spend hours looking at chateaux, reading blogs, watching vlogs, learning about mortgages, schools, regions, and so on - and then will flip and be utterly devastated just thinking about this dream not coming to fruition; or even worse, feeling immense shame for even thinking it is possible. We won’t even get started on the guilt of spending so much of my mental energy thinking about something that isn’t even in the process of happening.

Is this what it means to daydream? To escape the stress and rigors of everyday life in thinking about another life? One that isn’t more glamorous; that isn’t easier - that perhaps will be the hardest thing I have ever done. Merriam-Webster defines “Daydream” as “a pleasant visionary usually wishful creation of the imagination”. I guess that is exactly what this is.