I hate it here

This phrase has so many meanings - and not one has to do with where I am physically. Actually - quite the opposite.

This is the mental game I struggle with SO MUCH regarding this reverie. Questioning absolutely everything - WHY is this my dream? Why does it feel like my desire to move to France is waning? Why are there zero chateaux catching my eye lately? Why do I want to move into a home that is double the size of the one we are currently in when I feel like I’m already drowning here? Why do I want to move away from everyone and everything I know when I am currently craving closeness and friendship?

I know it’s a cycle. I’m in the phase of pulling away, of denial that I quickly wrote about before. This feels like a space I live in a lot these days. Even though I know I will loop back around, a part of me wonders if this is the end of this dream. I sincerely hope it isn’t.

I simply hate being in this mindset. I hate that every post feels like a deeply personal journal entry of my inner fears. Where is the fun, excitement, and joy that most people have for their dreams? JFC, this is depressing.

We are going to create a vision board for a special spot in our new home and Goo has requested it be filled with Chateaux. My heart exploded - I love him so much for wanting this dream just as much as I do. But this has also led me down a rabbit hole of doubt and perfection (ha). Pick a photo, K. Just one. That’s all you need to get started. Overcome this inertia and fear and perfection.

I like this one. It reminds me so much of what I want and yet leaves so much open to possibilities.

Peeling plaster entryway at Chateau de Gudanes.