More Nothing

This journal feels like one post after another of self-doubt. I guess that is what a journal is. Our inner dialogue written down. A mirror of what we say to ourselves. I won’t lie, I kind of hate it. It feels depressing. It feels hopeless. All I have are words, dreams, and plans. Nothing concrete. Nothing to have a firm grasp of. So perhaps I feel the very real possibility that [it] could escape my clinching hands and I’ll be left with what I currently have. More nothing. But then the dreamer in me pushes those thoughts away. Or really, writes them down so they can be out of my head and hopefully out of my heart.

Un Château?

Go big or go back to the US. Haha. JK

They say there is something like 40,000 châteaux in all of France. So surely when the time comes, we will find the one that is meant for us. But what does that château look like? And why oh why does it NEED to be a 400+m2 150+ year old building? Moving to France already feels like such a wild idea. Why do I want to compound it by living in a château? Great question. I have no sensible answer - buying, living in, and restoring a château is not sensible. All I have are my dreams. As a lover of history, I want to feel a deep connection with my home. I want a home where I can walk the halls and think about how it was previously fortified, protecting the town and its people with meter-thick walls; I want to imagine the hands that laid parquet floors; hear the decisions of why the paneled walls replaced original frescoes; envision the eyes that have looked through the wavy glass windows and the dreams that those inhabitants had too. Dare I say they are quite different than mine? I want a home that I need to take care of. I have always believed that if you love and care for a home, it will protect you as best it can. Châtelaines are quite literally described as custodians of a château - this is what I want my life’s work to be.

When I say I’m embarrassed of this dream, I truly mean it. I have never owned my own home. We have only lived in cities where renting is the norm and buying a Craftsman or a Tudor leads me to break out into a puddle of sweat just thinking about the prospect. As a “forever” renter, I have never had to fix anything except a hole in drywall, and let’s be honest, we left it and the cost came out of our deposit. And yet, I can see myself plastering, gilding, hauling, and having a dedicated pair of work pants that are tattered but perfectly worn in. My hidden desire to become a carpenter would be fulfilled.

Salon Rose in Château de Gudanes during Cooking in the Cuisine July 2019

After our 2019 vacation to France where we stayed at Château de Gudanes for 5 nights, the reality of owning a château became much more clear. To be honest, the magnitude of Gudanes was almost overwhelming; but with that magnitude came an abundant amount of attraction and hope. In such a grande home, there was so much to see, touch, feel, explore, and learn - it will surely be Karina & Jasmine’s life’s work and one I hope to continue to support.

But do we want to take that on? Do we want to open our home and have patronages come stay? Do we want parts of the château to be uninhabited regularly or to take decades to be able to restore? I quickly realized the size we should be looking for needed to be established - along with region, price, and amount of land. What extent of renovations and restoration are we prepared for? I want a home that is liveable (hello plumbing and electricity), but unloved. I want to be the one to bring it back to life.

We are terrified of the letters MH (Monument Historique) but also see the draw that comes from having the French government state that your home (or parts of it) is historically significant. But ooph, French bureaucracy…maybe not.

Here are some “wish list” items and how we have visualized this future home:

• 17th - 18th Century (an older foundation is wonderful as long as the chateau is neoclassical)

• Mansard roof - simple, efficient

• Outbuidlings 2+. Would love an open, vaulted large building (perhaps old stables) for my upholstery atelier and a gym. Separate living space for “in-laws” or long stay family & close friends

• high ceilings on ground and first floor

• tree-lined driveway

• stream / moving water on property

• roughly 400m2 (give or take) - we believe we want a family home that has the capabilities to add additional living quarters through outbuildings

• ability to have GOOD internet (haha)

• close but not too close to a town with modern conveniences (bonjour boulangerie)

Is this home out there? Maybe. I’m sure we will compromise on many items. But the dream is still alive.

Passion vs. Purpose

As I’ve shared previously, this journal started as a way to get my château thoughts OUT of my head so they could live in the universe, so I wouldn’t feel like a rat on a wheel thinking the same things over and over again. So while sitting in a dentist's chair, I tried to start a practice of guiding my thoughts. I focused on the château and allowed my mind to be carried away - it was lovely. At the forefront of my mind was the visa process; I wondered how certain chatelains that I follow did it (I will be emailing them just emailed them AND they responded and I’m on cloud 9). Then my thoughts moved towards thinking about the pull for me to live in France. I’ve been thinking for the longest time that it is my passion. I don’t know how to explain it succinctly, but passion feels almost frivolous; it doesn’t feel like it holds the weight that I feel. So what is it then? Well, while sitting in this dentist chair, I realized - it isn’t passion, it is purpose. I feel this - moving to France and restoring a château - is truly my purpose. I can see the links that started back in 2007 when I saw Biltmore Estate for the first time (or perhaps even before that when I would run my hands along the banister at my grandmother’s house and think about the past) all the way through to the present day while I’m working on upholstery projects or scrubbing floors or scouring for the perfect vintage find. Sure, these current day musings are deliberate but its because I feel driven to make this reverie a reality.

This realization reminded me of a podcast I listened to a few months back with my favorite chatelaine, Karina Waters of Chateau de Gudanes. I listened to The Limitless Podcast earlier this summer and remembered something Karina mentioned. Right around min 23 (22:53 to be exact), Karina states: “I find that in this {sic} type of project, it isn’t really purpose and dreams and passion…is not what it is about. It’s really, at the core of it, is work. It’s about joining up with something that you feel is really love and that love is really visible.”

When I was thinking back on this podcast, I didn’t realize Karina stated “purpose” alongside passion and dreams. So while I thought this episode was more of an affirmation of my newfound realization, I actually found myself becoming defensive while writing this post and relistening to the episode - so much so that there have been a few rewrites to this post. But what this taught me (with the help of my level-headed and positive husband) is that everyone’s experience and drive comes from a different place; everyone has their own values. I agree with Karina that I think you need MORE than just dreams, passion, and purpose to live the life of a custodian of a château. There is such an incredible amount of work. When the days are hard, long, expensive, and unforgiving, you have to fall back on the work. The work must continue. You must have discipline. Passion will wane. Dreams will fade. Purpose might seem to be lost in the challenges that surround us in today’s world, but having the discipline to continue through the hard times is the only way to reignite those passions and dreams and purpose.

I think that’s it, I might be on the right track.

Continuing restoration work at Chateau de Gudanes in the Salon de Printemps and the credit card-sized section I worked on. July 2019

In looking for the above podcast, I came across The Good Life France’s podcast ( that Karina spoke on which was my background while I wrote this post. Its a great listen.

This post took almost a month to write. I started it on Oct 22 and hit publish on Nov 19. What a testament to this topic.

A Different Way of Life

Sometimes, the first step to moving to France seems like the most impossible - the legalities of moving. Je suis femme de foyer (a phrase I am supposed to memorize in French class) and my husband co-owns his own business that is not planning to have a presence in France. We have no EU citizenship in our family, we won’t be going for education…does the application process include a box for a different way of life?

I think this is where a lot of my insecurities lie. Is it even possible for us to legally move to France? I honestly don’t know. I get so overwhelmed in researching this seemingly simple question. Just from a super simple search, I know there are 8 types of visas for US citizens moving to France - and we wouldn’t qualify for any of them (I don’t believe). Ooph. The article even states, “obtaining a visa is the first step in moving to France…”. Perhaps I’m in a funk right now and not seeing clearly, but its days/weeks like this that bring this entire dream to a screeching halt.

My Reverie

When thinking about the name of this blog, I will be 100% honest and share that ChatGPT came up with a variation of My French Reverie. I had a little convo with it (funny and weird to write) and I pulled different words and formed what stuck - but wow, what a world we live in. Ha.

I’m the type of person who has a hard time making a decision (hell, it’s nearly impossible) so I had to shop out this blog name to a select few to get their input. I asked my husband, my cousin, and the office of accountability (OOA). Rob immediately loved it (and LOVED that I asked ChatGPT to help guide me). My cousin was ADAMANT it was perfect. I then floated the idea to OOA and they had some opinions (which duh, I loved) but as someone who has a hard time making a decision, I soon found myself questioning everything. Is “The” sexier than “My”? Is it more editorial? Do I want this to be a successful money-making blog vs. a journal? Should I keep the writing narrow to just my experience, or write more generally? This is what I kept coming back to - I didn’t want to write about moving to France in general. I wanted to write about the thoughts in MY head. The pervasive ideas that needed to escape and needed a place to live out in the world - going back to the Big Magic post.

So what does My French Reverie look like? I’m still figuring it out, but my hope is that by beginning this journal, I will have the mental clarity to narrow down what I see. I could easily share with you the actual daydream I think about regularly - I tend to think of it as an opening scene... A linden tree-lined driveway that runs parallel to a small but roaring stream. The gravel road gently bends to the left to make way for the old carriage house that I have converted into my upholstery atelier. The cobblestone alley carries straight through the carriage door and I can see the chair I am currently working on up on sawhorses. The cobblestones continue through to the other side of the carriage house and open up to a small clearing where our son is playing - although he isn’t so little. The stream that runs along the driveway feeds into a larger river that the château is overlooking and I can hear my husband calling telling us it’s time for dinner. I can see the speckled light coming through the trees and can hear our pup sniffing around the shop. It feels like an early fall day - still warm in the sun but when the leaves rustle in the breeze you reach for a sweater.

Sometimes, when I think about France, the château isn’t always front and center. Many times, I find myself thinking more about the life I want to live, the peace I want to feel, and the small details I want to soak in.

My artistic skills on show.

Big Magic

Earlier this week, an email that usually makes me giddy made me uncomfortable, and angry - almost sick. The château that I have been eyeing for over 2 years was listed in a very well-known immoblier’s email newsletter. Could this be the beginning of the end?

There have been so many châteaux that have gone off the market since I have been watching & tracking. Before 2020, châteaux could be on the market for years, but with the success of a popular British TV show and the pandemic, the draw & accessibility to own one has become much more popular. Some are barely available for a month before they are under contract. But this particular château felt like it was waiting for us. And perhaps it still is. Have you ever read the book Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert? It’s wonderful and I highly recommend it to anyone, especially creatives. However, as much as I LOVE this book, there are times when I wish I had never read it because I feel like it is a haunting tale. One of the premises is that ideas are living entities. They visit those who they believe will act upon them and bring them to fruition. But if they feel that they are not being used or their potential hasn’t been met - my philosophy not necessarily Gilbert’s - they will leave and find someone else.

I’m terrified that this château gave me two years (I found it on April 28, 2021) and now it’s looking for its next entity. I’m not giving up. I will continue to check on the listing and wait with baited breathe every time I click on the link and hope it takes me to the page and there is no “Under Contract” banner listed on the top (or that the listing hasn’t all of a sudden disappeared as they so often do). But I have to say, that sickening stomach feeling is not one I want to feel again.

Vulnerability

My intentions for this blog are 100% personal. But being a prior business owner and creative who felt like their business survived solely through the means of social media (when in fact, very little was tied to social media), it has been a genuine struggle to keep this blog just for myself. Just like I daydream about France and our lives in a château, I also dream of this blog becoming its own entity with quippy writings, beautiful photos, and ideas that resonate with others. So much so that a small following exists. Or maybe a big following.

But with those ideas comes the dreaded and immense amount of self-doubt. Pulling these thoughts from the innermost corners of my mind and putting them out into “the internet” is giving breath to them. This has been a step I’ve wanted to take for a year or so, but didn’t truly feel like I had the bandwidth until recently. But as of now, these meanderings are my own. No one else is reading these; well, with the exception of my incredibly supportive co-daydreamer/husband - and let me say, I was hesitant to even share it with him (sorry goo). All because of failure. What if I stop writing? What if no one cares about this blog and it’s just a deep void of my thoughts? What if the daydream never comes to fruition?

If I’m being honest with myself, these are all equally terrifying to me. I can see my deepest fears in each of these questions. Lack of self-discipline, low self-worth and the belief that I am not thought of, and failure. Ooph. Maybe this blog will be a form of therapy in addition to an escape into my daydreams.

My first (and only) photo in front of Eiffel Tower, Paris. May 2013, Film.

To Daydream

Sometimes, I am incredibly embarrassed about my dreams. They seem fairytale-esque when said out loud - “I want to live in a Chateau in France with my family”. But it is true. It is a dream that I can visualize. I can see the steps in front that need to be taken; I can see the daily living; I can see the doubt, the loneliness, the agony of being away from the life we have always known. And yet, I can’t shake this dream.

Perhaps it is because I have always loved history. Perhaps because I am a romantic. Perhaps because this is the one area of my life where I am choosing to be completely impractical. I have periods of pure adulation for this dream - I will spend hours looking at chateaux, reading blogs, watching vlogs, learning about mortgages, schools, regions, and so on - and then will flip and be utterly devastated just thinking about this dream not coming to fruition; or even worse, feeling immense shame for even thinking it is possible. We won’t even get started on the guilt of spending so much of my mental energy thinking about something that isn’t even in the process of happening.

Is this what it means to daydream? To escape the stress and rigors of everyday life in thinking about another life? One that isn’t more glamorous; that isn’t easier - that perhaps will be the hardest thing I have ever done. Merriam-Webster defines “Daydream” as “a pleasant visionary usually wishful creation of the imagination”. I guess that is exactly what this is.

The Beginning

Bonjour & Hi,

This blog/idea has been in the making for a while; but give me two+ glasses of red wine, a computer, a late night, and poof - here we are. 

There are many trails that led to this blog. But first and foremost is the inevitability of living in a chateau in France with my family. It will happen. The timing is fluctuating and fickle. 

Since I have known for years that a château life will eventually be mine, it can be easy to get lost in the agony of not living that life currently. I have fallen into that despair many times, but don't generally want to spend my days moping around. In 2023 during an Office of Accountability Meeting (which I'm sure I'll talk about many times here), I pulled out my not-used-enough Fleurot Floral Tarot Deck and drew my annual card to set my course for the new year. I pulled the Violet aka The Hermit. I gasped - and not in a good way. It was a sickening feeling. A year of solitude, introspection, meditation, soul-searching, and inner guidance - with a toddler? Oh no. But when I zeroed in on the thoughts that continuously cluttered my mind, I realized it was the best card to capture this year and this season of life. Here are my initial thoughts from my journal:

• look more internally when questions or decisions arise

• listen to my body, emotions, and feelings

• prioritize myself  / hold boundaries

• DREAM - visualize, build, prepare, foster, daydream, research, learn

Looking back on this year so far (it is currently August 13, 2023), I feel an abnormal sense of pride and contentment in knowing I have continued to uphold these priorities. Beginning this blog is a way to put my thoughts, ideas, and meanderings into a form that isn't scattered amongst multiple physical journals. And it is a way to pair images with my thoughts as I have a plethora from my travels to France over the last 10 years that spark immense amounts of joy and reverie. 

First morning of the 2019 Cooking in the Cuisine experience at Chateau de Gudanes

My intentions for this space are to beautifully encapsulate my passion for France, châteaux (and hopefully my future life living in a chateau), upholstery, and restoration. I hope to share a personal and introspective journey through my experiences, dreams, research, planning, learning, and reflections. My goal is for it to be inviting and have a timeless quality that could resonate well with those who, like me, love to daydream about la vie française.